Jokes from January and February 2015.
- Chip Wilson the founder Lululemon, best known for making yoga pants, has left the company, saying "I feel like I've kind of been in prison." Which is the exact same thing said by women everywhere after removing a pair of Lululemon pants.
- Happy Birthday to Dr. Suess' "Oh, the Places You'll Go" which turns 25 today! Unfortunately, it's still living at home with its parents.
- A study says emoji users have better sex, which explains why my mom keeps asking me to install them on her iPhone.
- Two supermodels have quit working for Victoria’s Secret because their pay has decreased from the millions to around $100,000. Said the models, who haven’t eaten since 2003: “This is what we would do for a Klondike Bar.”
- Scientists have figured out how to unboil a boiled egg, yet still have trouble making eye contact during conversations.
- Police in San Francisco found a suitcase containing dismembered body parts, with even more body parts scattered nearby. Gruesome, but I can sympathize because I also have a hard time deciding what to pack.
- Earlier this week many people hugged people on the streets to celebrate National Hug Day, alternatively called National Cop-a-Feel from a Stranger Day.
- Gwyneth Paltrow admitted that she's done ecstasy, which means in order for Miley Cyrus to keep up her image of youthful rebellion she's doing even harder addictive substances: she's smoking gluten.
- Showtime is rebooting a new version of Twin Peaks, and Kyle MacLachlan has announced he’ll return to the show in his role as Charlotte's ex-husband.
- Sixty years after writing the Pulitzer Prize winning To Kill A Mockingbird author Harper Lee will publish her second book. Lee stands by the new book, even though unlike the first it will not star Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson.
- Sales of condoms and morning after pills have soared in South Korea after a ban on adultery was lifted. Marketers are currently pushing for a ban on bank robbery to boost sales of presidential masks.
- KFC has outdone themselves with another original fast food creation. They debuted a new sandwich, a hotdog nestled between 2 fried chicken breasts, called the Double Down Dog sandwich. Customers are most shocked that it’s not made from actual puppies.
- A 36 year old man best known for playing the Red Power Ranger was booked on murder charges. The former power ranger grabbed a sword next to his bed and stabbed his roommate after his roommate followed him and his girlfriend into his bedroom. Police were most shocked that a 36 year old man who dresses in a polyester Power Ranger costume, plays with swords, and has a roommate actually has a girlfriend.
- Sony announced they're still struggling to repair computer systems damaged from "The Interview" cyberattack in December. They also reported they need to update Adobe Flash.
- To celebrate Valentine's Day Oreo announced a new flavor: red velvet. Whole Foods is also jumping on the bandwagon with red velvet coconut oil.
- Breaking News: this week the Academy of Motion Pictures, an organization made up predominantly of white males predominantly nominated white males for Oscars.
- The CEO of Nutella died, leaving his mourners to debate: wait, is it pronounced NUTella or NEWtella?
- A report on corporate diversity states men named John, Robert, William, and James hold more board seats than all women combined. Put another way that’s like 3 Led Zeppelins and 4 Billy Joels for every ONE CEO named Madonna.
Here's a sketch I wrote recently.
INT. AIRPLANE GATE WAITING AREA
A HUSBAND & WIFE are seated in a waiting area, next to a MALE COUPLE with a baby. The Wife notices the baby and whispers to her husband.
Ooh, look at that little sweet pea!
With any luck, we’ll have our own baby soon!
You know, I’m ovulating right now!
Really? Should we go try?
(He indicates to the bathroom.)