1. Jolt your senses by drinking 24 ounces of ice-cold water immediately upon waking. Don’t brush your teeth, don’t use the bathroom, don’t walk the dog. Your senses will only be jolted if you drink cold water during the first 17 seconds you’re awake.
2. Calm your senses with a lukewarm cup of lemon water. Make sure to use a Meyer lemon of organic origin. Temperature must be an exact 105 degrees Fahrenheit.
3. Scrape your tongue. Then go to your kitchen and scrape off that spaghetti sauce that splattered inside your microwave last week. A messy kitchen is so 2016.
4. Smile at yourself in the mirror and say something positive like “I am a beacon of hope,” or “I have good taste in podcasts.”
5. Paint your walls white. Healthy habits only work when you're surroundeded in a minimally decorated white space.
6. Swish coconut oil in your mouth for 25 minutes to pull toxins from your body.
7. Pour coconut oil on Twitter to see if that becomes less toxic as well.
8. Knit yourself a wool wrap sweater with thumbholes in the cuffs. It’s like giving a hug to yourself. Remember to use white yarn!
9. Call your legislators and remind them to stand up for human rights.
10. That was terrifying, right? Recapture your zen by purchasing some succulents.
11. Invite Jennifer Aniston over to do a series of 24 Iyengar yoga poses.
12. Check the markets: NASDAQ, the Dow, the S&P 500, and the farmer’s.
13. Read an inspirational passage, perhaps an excerpt from the Tao Te Ching, or the entire unabridged translation of Don Quixote.
14. Sip homemade kombucha while watching the sun rise. Make sure to wear your wrap sweater with thumbholes in the cuffs.
15. Take a moment and admire all the whiteness.
16. Practice archery drills in your backyard. It’s a great motor skill exercise and will prepare you for forest survival should the Hunger Games become reality. And if not, women you don't know will compliment your toned arms the next time you wear a sleeveless top.
17. Get to work! You’re almost late and have already broken your New Year’s resolution to show up to the office 10 minutes early!