Those energy drink rebates you’ve ignored on your dining room table for the past month. If you simply fill them out, Redbull will send you $4.63 in 8 to 10 weeks. That’s like 1 night’s rent at a rice field bungalow in Ubud, Indonesia. Come on! You’ve got the time to kill! It’s a 25-hour flight to Bali, and SkyMall doesn’t exist anymore. Throw those bad boys in your carry-on.
Some women attempt to make partners jealous by ordering themselves a dozen roses to make it appear that many suitors desire them. Why stop with roses? Order yourself a dozen Harry & David Royal Riviera pears, a dozen circular saws from Home Depot, and a dozen DVDs of classic film The Dirty Dozen. He may never understand you, but he will be in awe that he’s with a mysterious creature who possesses a penchant for gourmet fruit, mad carpentry skills, and an affinity for classic war films.
1. Jolt your senses by drinking 24 ounces of ice-cold water immediately upon waking. Don’t brush your teeth, don’t use the bathroom, don’t walk the dog. Your senses will only be jolted if you drink cold water during the first 17 seconds you’re awake.
2. Calm your senses with a lukewarm cup of lemon water. Make sure to use a Meyer lemon of organic origin. Temperature must be an exact 105 degrees Fahrenheit.
3. Scrape your tongue. Then go to your kitchen and scrape off that spaghetti sauce that splattered inside your microwave last week. A messy kitchen is so 2016.
4. Smile at yourself in the mirror and say something positive like “I am a beacon of hope,” or “I have good taste in podcasts.”
After a spring spent depriving, master cleansing, and crossfitting your body into tip-top bikini shape, you deserve to show off those flattened abs at the beach this summer. But, fall is right around the corner. It’s never too early to start fattening up your svelte body for scarf season. Thankfully between grilled burgers, fried chicken, and frozen cocktails, summer’s delectable treats make it easy to pack on extra LBs!
In the wake of the massacre in Orlando, Florida, I urge you to use your position to press for gun regulation.
Elected officials are reluctant to pass even just a smidgen of gun regulation, which is insane.
As your constituent and a taxpaying citizen exhausted from sharing this article when these tragedies occur, I ask you to support background checks, so that we can do our best to ensure guns don’t go into the wrong hands. I urge you to support responsible carry legislation to keep guns off of campuses. And I urge you to pass legislation that outlaws weapons of mass destruction in the United States of America, which is what semiautomatic guns are: weapons that serve no logical purpose other than quickly facilitating mass carnage and death.
Govern from a place of love, not fear. Stop kowtowing to the NRA. Listen to your conscience and do what’s right.
During SXSW this year, I fell in love. Not with some up-and-coming cute filmmaker or potentially married music executive from Montreal. Not with an out-of-town Warby Parkered app developer, or some guy from San Francisco I sat next to at a panel on the future landscape of bitcoin-powered hover boards. I'm over those types and into more stable choices in my love life, mainly simple carbohydrates. My SXSW soulmate is the sea salt with caramel ribbons ice cream from the Salt and Straw food truck.
I hung out in a tiny lab w/14 nerdy types to take photos of them while they dissected mice retinas for 2 hrs. No one really appreciated my jokes and besides me there was only one other woman. So what I'm saying is, I think there's a new open mic.